


safe place

by craevitae



Category: Cravity (Band)
Genre: M/M, idk wheres the other members, mentions of self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:14:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24583627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/craevitae/pseuds/craevitae
Summary: when allen felt like everything is falling down, he just has to remind himself that his members are right by his side.
Relationships: Allen Ma/Everyone, Park Serim/Allen Ma
Comments: 1
Kudos: 62





	safe place

**Author's Note:**

> pls do read the tags

allen sighed again for the hundredth time.

he was working on the new album, and the pressure doubled because it was a full album; not a mini one. serim already went to his room to rest, and even though they ask allen to rest, too; he insisted on finishing the track he was working on and timed the lyrics.

allen looked at the time, which read 3:42 AM. serim went to sleep at around 1 AM, and allen certainly lost track of time.

allen repeated the track he did again. and again. and again. like always, he wasn't that satisfied, so he kept on tweaking the track and revised the lyrics.

he wanted to make sure that his tracks wont disappoint his fellow members, starship, and his luvitys who were eagerly waiting for the new comeback. allen loved the attention luvitys were giving him, but he couldn't help it but to feel pressured.

allen stretched for a bit, trying to loosen up his stiff body from sitting up for too long. he still had dance practice at 10, and he had to film a new segment for a reality show with serim.

'should i sleep now...?' allen thought. the adrenaline from making music was still in his blood, so he didn't really felt that sleepy but then again, maybe it's because of the pressure, not because he loved what he was doing.

don't get him wrong, allen loves composing songs. he just hates it when the song he makes is one, time consuming; two, isn't what he likes; and three, doesn't match with cravity’s concept.

allen felt this burden to always be a good example to everyone. with the longest trainee period, he was exposed at such an stressful environment at a young age. he was complimented for maturing quickly, which is something that his fellow trainees, including former ones, admired and pitied him for. admired because he knows the bitterness of reality, but pitied because he doesn't have a normal, happy childhood wherein he's free of doing whatever he wants.

allen has been through auditioning in multiple companies, he even got to be one of the pre debut lineup of stray kids and appeared in the survival show; but due to multiple circumstances, he was dropped. he then tried on other companies, including cube; and finally landed to starship.

allen woke up from his train of thoughts and looked at the time, which read 4:12 AM. 'i have been thinking for that long?' he thought again. he was contemplating whether he should sleep or not.

and, knowing allen ma; he didn't actually go to sleep.

ㅡ

"allen, you're still in there? it's already 5 AM, we need to go to the shoot now." a deep voice ringed in allen’s ears. knowing that it was serim, he saved all of his progress and turned off the computer. he ruffled his disheveled hair before grabbing his coat and stepped out. 

"you didn't sleep, allen?" serim asked, as allen sheepishly nodded. "i'm sorry, i'm just too engrossed on working that i lost count of time." allen said. it was true, though; but not exactly.

"its been like this for weeks, leoni." serim gave allen a banana milk (which was seongmin’s) and allen drank it. "are you really okay?"

"i'm fine, selm. don't worry." once again, allen has shown him his signature smile, which always makes serim smile, too. 

if only serim knew allen’s struggles, he wouldn't be able to smile like that.

ㅡ

the filming for their reality show started with serim entering the room with a pout.

"allen didn't got any sleep." serim poked on allen’s sides, which made him giggle. "serim doesn't like it when allen stays up every single day." serim said in a cute tone, still continuing to poke allen.

"stop." allen laughed, and pushed serim away.

it was silent for a while, until serim spoke up. "you know, allen... i don't express my gratitude a lot, but i want to say that i'm so thankful for you. even though i’m the leader, you never just fully gave me the whole responsibility. you helped me a lot.”

"i should be more thankful that you’re the leader. you keeps us in tact.” allen said.

"allen." serim said in a serious tone, which made allen tense up a bit. "you're not being too harsh on yourself, right?"

that hit allen right in the heart. knowing that he can't pour all of his thoughts now, well, at least not now because of filming, he lied a bit.

"i'm not being that harsh to myself," allen scratched his nape. "i'm just trying to make the best things that i can."

serim sighed. "allen has been stressing too much over everything." he muttered. "leoni, we would much more appreciate it if you would sleep the whole day."

"you know that i can't do that, selm." serim laughed, trying to lift up the serious atmosphere. 

"is there something you want me to be aware of?" allen asked, after a few seconds of silence. serim hummed.

"other than your health... i want you to be aware of the love people are giving you. just so you don't have those kinds of thoughts." allen knew what serim meant.

"i mean... i would be lying if i say that i don't think about that." allen looked down, as serim looked at him with full of worry. "but, it's just thoughts; i won't ever do that. i don't want to leave you, and cravity, and luvitys.”

"can this even be broadcasted?" serim said hesitantly to the director who was watching them. the director shook his head, and motioned the two to talk about something else, something more happy.

to say that allen was not offended was an understatement. he wants the fans to know their struggles, that they're human too; but allen, and cravity, are idols. idols that are meant to be role models.

he doesn't want people to idolize a person who doesn't have hopes for himself.

ㅡ

"allen, you've been messing up the moves a lot today." serim patted allen’s shoulder. "are you okay?"

allen hated this. whenever he teaches the choreography, or whether a member that is not him messes up the choreography, he or another member will straight up scold that member. but, when it comes to him, worried faces greet him and asks him if he's okay.

the members knew something was wrong the moment serim and allen came inside the practice room. serim looked at the members, saying that they shouldn't bother asking allen about anything. woobin got the memo, and thought that allen must be feeling... down. in a different level.

allen, serim and woobin got close during their trainee days, and even helped each other on writing music; but never released it. allen was really enthusiastic to make music. he didn't show that ‘sad’ side to the two, which led them into a happy work environment for a while.

not until they discovered allen unconscious in front of his computer.

he was exhausted, and got diagnosed with depression and anxiety. woobin, who was really worried, asked if allen has done anything else. allen showed his wrists, which showed old, faint scars. the two boys bit their lips, regretting that they didn't knew this in the first place.

that's wherein they started to make music that revolves around the problems in this society. it received tons of support and backlash, but they didn't care. they want to let everyone have a taste of reality, most especially allen.

woobin sighed, as the maknae, seongmin, tapped his shoulder. "hyung? you've been staring at the floor for minutes now."

"oh, sorry." woobin muttered, and glanced at allen who was in the verge of tears.

"tell me that i mess up real bad and i should stay up to perfect this dance." allen said in a broken voice, which shocked everyone. 

"shout at me, scold me, insult me, tell me what move am i doing wrong. don't ask me what's wrong with me, or worry about me, be strict with me. don't make me feel that i can't handle criticism or your too shy to criticize me just because i'm the fucking main dancer!" allen broke into sobs, as everyone voluntarily went near allen except woobin, who stopped them.

"hyung." seongmin’s voice cracked. "hyung..." he also broke down, hugging the fragile dancer. "what's wrong, hyung?" 

"what's wrong?" allen looked at seongmin, wiping his tears. "it's... just a breakdown. don't worry too much, seongmin." allen got up, as seongmin gave him a saddened gaze at his abrupt change of emotion.

"let's finish this practice. serim, what move was i doing wrong again?" allen said nonchalantly, as serim awkwardly did the steps.

serim sighed, allen always wanted to not let the members be affected by his emotions.

and he wasn't having it.

ㅡ

"llen??" serim knocked on allen’s studio, as the door opened.

"serim? haven't you left with woobin hours ago? it's like... 2 AM." allen said, as serim nodded, and handed him some takeout.

"you're probably hungry." allen smiled, and let serim in.

"allen is hungry." allen said, as he happily ate what serim bought for him, and did a little dance. this sight of allen always brought joy to the members.

"allen." serim said, which made allen look at him. "we're worried for you."

"i'm completely aware of that." allen said. "don't worry about meㅡ"

"how can we stop worrying about you?" serim interrupted allen. "if you don't tell us your pain, how are we supposed to be for each other?"

allen stayed silent. he finished his food, and placed it inside a trash bin. "serim, we already talked about this."

"well i'm not having it." serim said. "i'm sure that the members don't want to tell you this, but how are you going to be helped when you don't want our help in the first place? you try to help us and luvitys, but what about you?"

"serim..." serim pulled allen into a hug, as allen cried in his arms. "i-i'm sorry... i'm sorry, serim..."

"it's okay, leoni." serim bit his lip, trying to stop himself from tearing up because of the state allen was in. "just... tell us if you're tired. you're welcome to rest with us, your team, cravity."

small sobs were heard outside the room, the rest of the members then barging in and engulfed allen in a heartwarming hug.


End file.
